Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to be kind and understanding to your friends than it is to be kind to yourself?
Many of us, to varying degrees, have a discouraging, bully-like voice in our heads. This voice is commonly called the Inner Critic, and it’s often a recurring barrier to meeting therapy goals and progressing on the path of self-betterment.Other terms for this voice include negative self-talk, self-limiting beliefs, automatic negative thoughts, and imposter syndrome, to name a few.
As an example, perhaps your goals include reducing the total number of hours worked per week, and increasing time spent with friends and family. In the initial stages of pursuing a goal like this one, your Inner Critic may emerge in the form of thoughts such as “if you leave work right at 5pm you’re going to fall behind on all your projects, let your team down, and they’re all going to discover you were never qualified for your job in the first place. You don’t deserve to work less.” Despite your best intentions, it can be hard to meet goals when these are the type of thoughts that arise when you try to change your behavior.
This sort of scenario may be an indicator that your Inner Critic’s warnings are out of proportion to the true stakes at hand. Even if logically you recognize that you are all caught up on your work for the day, the persistence of these types of thought patterns regularly keeps you working past when you would ideally end your day. Over the course of many years addressing barriers related to the Inner Critic with clients, I have learned that Inner Critics are often trying to help motivate us. In therapy, we can learn to harness this motivation and leave the intense discouragement behind, thus using your inner voice to your advantage rather than to your detriment. By reframing the nature of this relationship, we can experience dramatically different outcomes.
We all arrive at our typical patterns and behaviors because they have historically served our needs in some ways. In the case of our fictional, overworking client, this individual likely is balancing a competing tension; “I recognize that being overworked is causing me distress, and my capacity for working long hours has historically brought me professional accolades, social capital, a sense of acceptance within a community,” and the list could go on. How to reconcile a contradiction like this? Often, the first step is understanding what role the Inner Critic is attempting to play in helping us to succeed or to prevent feelings of failure.
Many of us believe the harsh tone of the Inner Critic is necessary for accountability, and hold the following type of belief: “If I let myself off the hook I’m going to get lazy and complacent. I’m beating myself up for my own good.” I’ve found that when we learn to interpret the Inner Critic’s warnings through a more self-compassionate lens, over time its tone softens and becomes less mean-spirited. For example, your Inner Critic may have developed when you were a child as a way to prevent criticism from adults, which is a survival skill. Or, in the work example, maybe you were praised for academic achievement, and there is uncertainty about your worth without this identity.
The Inner Critic can be thought of as a child doing its best to perform an adult’s responsibilities. That is a lot of pressure to put on someone who’s so young. Viewed through this lens, it can become easier to understand that the Inner Critic’s mean tone is really an over-compensation for being overwhelmed. Have you ever had the experience of having a friend or coworker who is under a lot of pressure, and unexpectedly snaps at you – seemingly for no reason? Dealing with the Inner Critic is a bit like how you might handle one of those interactions.
One way to address the Inner Critic’s tone is to use the same sorts of validation strategies you might with another person on yourself (in fact, I’ve had some clients externalize their Inner Critic by giving it a name to make this easier). For example “it seems like you’re worried about me falling behind on my work if I leave early in order to go to a concert with friends. Thanks so much for always looking out for me. It’s ok, though. I’ve got this.” An exchange like the above is an example of befriending the Inner Critic, and uplifting the benevolent part of its message without accepting its harshness whole-sale.
Over time, and with repetition, utilizing self-validation softens the Inner Critic’s tone. As you befriend your Inner Critic, it transforms from being a mean-spirited bully to a protective force that is on your side. Overall, you will notice that you are kinder to yourself,and therefore more empowered.
I imagine that many of us would like to entirely get rid of the bully-like voice in the back of our heads. While that may not be possible, it is possible to change our relationship with that voice so that it serves your needs rather than works against them. This is the Inner Critic’s intention, after all. If you would like to know more about how therapy can be helpful with addressing your own Inner Critic, contact me for a free therapy consultation by emailing Support@KennedyCounselingCollective.com. Alternatively, you can schedule your consult here. I look forward to connecting with you!