As the leaves change and the air cools, many of us start mentally preparing for the upcoming holidays… who we’ll see, where we’ll go, and what conversations we might need to brace for.
This year, holiday planning may come with extra stress. Here in the DMV, many are feeling like there is no break from the effects of the current political climate. For some, being “back home” or spending time with family whose views or experiences differ can stir up old wounds and new tensions.
For those fortunate to have cultivated a supportive family or chosen family, this season may feel like a welcome return to warmth, laughter, and connection, a respite from the world outside. The holidays may bring a sense of comfort and safety.
And even when things go well, it can still be hard not to compare your experience to the polished versions of family life we see on social media or in holiday movies.
Being with family is not usually only comfort or only tension. If it was, decisions about interactions with family would be easy. Many of the clients we work with describe family gatherings as what we call “a both/and” situation: a mix of comfort and tension, connection and distance, inclusion and isolation.
In a city where politics shape our identity more than any other city, it’s not surprising that this holiday season may carry extra emotional weight. Even when families are on the “same side,” many in our community already notice feelings of abandonment from the rest of the country, or feeling misunderstood about just what it is like to live here in the DMV right now.
We help clients explore and navigate these types of complex issues every day. There’s no single right way to decide how to interact with family. But there are ways, after reflecting on your situation, to protect your peace, set meaningful boundaries, and choose how you want to engage.
Below, we’ll walk through how to set boundaries intentionally, recognize communication patterns in your family, and make choices that align with your values, for the holidays, and every day.
Setting Your Boundaries — for You
Here’s something to consider:
Can you love your family, and know they love you, without expecting them to change?
That question is not meant to answer anything (such a therapist move), but to reframe how to view your family. If you can release yourself from the goal to change someone, you recognize that the boundaries you set are for you. Then, you can begin to reclaim your agency.
A simple but hard concept: You can love someone deeply and still refuse to tolerate certain behaviors.
For instance, if an in-law continues to make body-shaming comments in front of your children, you might ask them to stop. But even if they don’t, your boundary becomes about your response, not their behavior. You can choose to speak up, explain the situation to your kids later, or limit shared meals altogether.
When you clarify what matters to you and follow through consistently, you send a clear message about your values — not for controlling what’s external, but to be in charge of getting your own needs met.
Communication Patterns and Family Boundaries
How you set and hold boundaries often reflects long-standing family patterns. It may be surprising to think of family communication patterns as boundaries, but if you think of a boundary as creating a line in a relationship, there are many ways to attempt this.
Reactions to boundaries often stem from desires for connection versus autonomy in the relationship. Some of these behaviors are overt; others are subtle ways of managing closeness, distance, or pain.
There’s no universal “healthy” or “unhealthy,” but many ways of interacting become fraught when they become extreme. What matters most is your awareness and intentionality when choosing how to interact.
Below are some boundary-setting patterns families tend to engage in, and how you might navigate them.
Observation: Taking the “Get Out the Popcorn” Approach
Sometimes, taking an observer stance (almost like watching a movie) can help you deescalate charged feelings and stay grounded. When observation becomes extreme, it can look like judging others from the sidelines. It’s not about detachment or judgment, but about noticing and being aware of what’s happening.
Ask yourself:
- What sensations do I notice in my body right now?
- Which family dynamics feel familiar?
- What do I appreciate about these moments?
- How do I want to show up differently this time?
Mindful observation can reduce reactivity and create space for reflecting on how you want to balance engagement and boundaries.
Substance Use
For some families, alcohol or other substances are a familiar, and sometimes labeled as necessary, part of gatherings, a way to bond, loosen up, or escape tension.
But if substance use leaves you feeling uneasy, unsafe, or unseen, it may help to examine your own relationship with them.
- How do you feel during and after drinking together?
- Does it help you connect, or does it mask deeper discomfort?
- Can you have compassion for the pain that family is attempting to soothe?
- If things tend to escalate, can you set a limit — like leaving before heavy drinking begins?
Remember, you can’t control others’ choices, only your own. Boundaries around substances are about protecting your well-being, not policing someone else’s behavior.
Dissociation
Many people “zone out” during difficult moments — sometimes from exhaustion, sometimes as a trauma response. If you find yourself spacing out, losing track of time, or feeling detached from your body, it may be your nervous system trying to protect you.
Safety comes first. Ground yourself through sensory techniques, or lean on a trusted person who can help anchor you. (See our Grounding Techniques PDF for practical ideas.)
Passivity or Avoidance
Avoiding conflict can be an inherited survival skill — one that kept previous generations safe. Sometimes staying quiet may genuinely be the wisest choice. But if you feel like peacekeeping comes at the cost of your authenticity, it may be time to reevaluate.
Ask yourself:
- What does my family believe about speaking “the unspoken”?
- What do I appreciate about the harmony we try to keep?
- What am I losing by staying silent?
- Can I find compassion for the ways my family learned to protect themselves — even if I choose differently?
Speaking Up
Therapists often say, “It gets worse before it gets better.” That’s because any change in a family system — like expressing yourself differently — can cause short-term discomfort before a new balance exists.
Learning to “call in” rather than “call out,” as described by Loretta J. Ross, who has a long history of activism, is a skill in which you challenge someone by having a conversation in a way in which you expect them to grow, rather than write them off from the beginning.
Reflect on:
- What reactions do you notice in yourself when the urge to speak up arises?
- What would “voicing yourself” look like ideally?
- Who in your family models compassionate “calling in”?
- How can you hold both honesty and care in the same conversation?
Speaking up about your experience can bring up many feelings. There may be times when you need to disengage to ground yourself. Ultimately, you can’t change other people, but you can control how you show up in triggering conversations.
Cutoff and Firm Boundaries
Sometimes, no contact is the healthiest option for you. Other times, cutoff is a familiar family pattern, a reflex to avoid pain. Similarly, setting firm boundaries can avoid damage while maintaining a relationship, or create grounds for controlling others.
If you find yourself considering distance or disconnection, pause to ask:
- What is my family’s pattern with cutoff?
- How much closeness and distance do I need this year?
- Is guilt or obligation driving my decision?
- Who genuinely brings me peace or joy — and how can I spend more time with them?
Firm boundaries may be the right choice now, but you can always reassess your needs in the future. If someone cuts you off, it’s an opportunity to reflect on your own values and boundaries.
Boundary-Setting as a Choice
Moving from reactive, survival-based boundaries to intentional ones is a process — often made up of small, quiet choices that no one but you may notice. Give yourself grace for wherever you are in that process.
Before any gathering, take a moment to center yourself:
- What intention would you like to set for your holidays this year?
- What kind of connection matters most to you right now?
However you spend this season — with family, chosen family, or taking a much-needed break — we hope you find moments of grounding, insight, and peace. And if you need support in navigating those family dynamics or emotions that resurface this time of year, we’re here to help you find your footing again.
References:
- Loretta J. Ross, Calling In: The Power of Grace in Holding Others Accountable
- Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score